My Life With Anxiety

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a nervous person. As a kid I was very shy. I was not a very social child, but preferred to make a couple of good close friends, and keep with the familiar.

As a teenager I found it very difficult to meet girls. Even though I would have girls interested in me, I would always make up excuses as to why I couldn't see them. Or let them get close.

It wasn't until my early 20's that I started dating. I recall being horrified by this. I remember taking a girl out to dinner, and being so nervous that I physically could not swallow food because my mouth was too dry, and my hands we're shaking.

Getting a job was also a major hurdle for me. I remember being so scared and nervous walking into work each morning. As for job interviews, I don't even want to go there, I was a shaking mess.

It was probably at the age of 23 I eventually realized something is not right with me. So I went to a doctor, and told him I was a nervous wreck. He prescribed me some medication which I cannot remember the name of. I took it for a few weeks but remembered feeling very numb so I decided to stop taking it.

At the age of about 25, things took a turn for the worse. I had my first full blown panic attack. The attack just came out of nowhere. I was sitting down watching TV then all of a sudden my chest tightened up. It felt like I was unable to breath which made me panic even worse. My heart was beating so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I recall lying on the ground, on my back thinking, “This is it…I am toast!” My girlfriend at the time didn't know what to do and called an ambulance. By the time the ambulance arrived I had calmed down, but still to this day I don't feel I have ever been the same since that first panic attack.

This first panic attack prompted a series of visits to doctors and psychologists. The first doctor prescribed me Xanax, which I thought was the greatest thing ever. For the first time in my life I felt somewhat ‘normal’. I remember feeling very relaxed and floppy—not a care in the world. I also recall walking through a shopping mall and not feeling one ounce of anxiety. Anyway, my love affair with Xanax was very short lived. After about a month its effects began to diminish. I needed to take higher doses, which eventually led to my doctor taking me off it.

The next step was the psychologist. My first psychologist was a total waste of money. He seemed more interested in other aspects of my life, totally unrelated to the anxiety. The second psychologist I saw was a lot better. She took me through a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) program. I do believe this helped me cope with the anxiety, but it didn't really cure it. That's when it dawned upon me that I would probably be cursed with anxiety for the rest of my life.

Back to another doctor. This time I was prescribed with Xanax (only as an emergency) and Lexapro once a day. I was told Lexapro would probably take a month to totally kick in. When I began to take Lexapro, I did not really feel any different. It is not like Xanax, where after 15 minutes you feel relaxed. Anyway, I decided to keep with it, and I am very grateful I did. Lexapro really just crept up on me. I began to notice my thoughts had changed. I was no longer thinking about death or diagnosing myself with horrible diseases. I had no problems hopping on a plane without being scared to death. My work productivity quadrupled! I began to sleep well again. As for the side effects, well, the first thing I noticed, being a guy, it was harder to achieve orgasm (which was a bonus for my girlfriend). My short-term memory is not so great and I have gained about 10kilos (22 lbs) since taking Lexapro. But the benefits have totally outweighed the side effects, so I continue to take Lexapro. Mind you, Lexapro is not a miracle cure. I still feel the tightness in the chest at times. And I can still feel an underlying anxiety, but I have come to accept I will probably always feel this way.

Author: Brad Lovell
Website: http://www.anxietyforum.net