Ask The Experts: How Do I Explain My Relationship Status to My Mother?

Dear Michele,

I’m 28 years old, and I have a very successful career, great friendships, and I’m starting work on my master’s degree in the fall. My life feels very full and interesting, but it feels like its missing one piece. I just can’t seem to make a relationship happen. I meet very few men who live up to what I would consider my “ideal mate,” and, when I do, they never seem to be interested. My mother keeps bugging me about getting married—she keeps asking me when I’m going to “find the right guy and settle down.” The truth is, I can’t even tell anymore if I’m upset about not being married yet or if I just care too much what she thinks. It’s starting to make me want to avoid my mother, and, whenever we are together and it comes up, it just turns into a big fight. She acts as if my being single is an attack on her. It’s not like I don’t want a relationship! Every time she brings it up, I feel resentful, and I’m tired of her not respecting my feelings on this. How do I get my mother to understand that I’m doing the best I can and to drop the subject? I don’t need this constant reminder that I’m single and she’s embarrassed.

Julie, Dallas, TX

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Becoming a healthy mature adult requires that we trust ourselves and make our own life choice. It can become difficult when others, especially parents, are critical, judgmental and lack the ability to be supportive. This can cause us to doubt ourselves and interfere with the development of self confidence. Your mother’s anxiety, fear and embarrassment about your present unmarried status, are her own. Often parents can project their own unresolved issues onto their children and not realize it. Do not take her fears on as yours.

It is unlikely that your mother will understand or quickly learn how to respect your feelings and respond with support. Let go of expecting her to respond this way. Because you are building up resentfulness, you must set boundaries with your mother so you do not have to avoid contact. That requires you to stay connected to your body and your heart and speak calmly as you set the boundary. When she brings up the questions around this subject, be prepared to make a few brief statements that will set a boundary such as: “Mother I do not want to discuss this subject with you”, “Mother, if you continue asking me those questions and criticizing me I am going to change the subject” or “I am doing what I believe is best for me, I would appreciate your trust and my ability to find my own way. “ You will stay empowered if you do not engage in a discussion with her where you are arguing, defending or justifying your present situation.

In regards to your male relationships, stay in your own body. Do not doubt or judge yourself, about the choices you have made. Following a date, ask yourself what were you feeling and what were your perceiving, what kind of a person was your date, et cetera. Do this self examining, with the goal of learning and understanding yourself better. You will then develop more clarity about the kind of man you are attracted to, as well as the kind of man that fits into your values and needs.

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The Mind/Body Connection with Michele Germain, LCSW, LMFT, CBT

Want to learn how the mind/body connection could be affecting your life? Michele Germain is a Clinical Social Worker and Marriage Family Therapist in California. She is also a bioenergetic analyst using an approach that helps resolve emotional pain remaining in the body and increases the capacity for pleasure. Her perspective on emotional health emphasizes mind/body healing and a spiritual approach to wellness. Michele’s book, The Jill Principle: A Woman’s Guide to Healing Your Spirit After Divorce or Breakup, shares her belief that many long-term relationships fail due to unresolved “historical wounds” and unrealistic expectations. Let Michele help you uncover the deeply held wounds that may be affecting your family life, relationships, career or health.

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Author: Michele Germain LCSW, LMFT, CBT
Website: http://www.michelegermain.com/

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